I am a control freak. Unfortunately, not the kind of control freak who has a neat knicker drawer and a fully-stocked spice rack, but the kind that gets freaked out by weird or unexplained feelings. The kind that wants to know what’s happening and when, to feel safe. The “yeah I’m really zen, change is totally cool, unless you’re imposing the change on me and then it’s totally unacceptable how dare you” kind.
The menopause and people like me don’t mix. In fact, we hate each other. All these feelings, bodily sensations and changes that are happening TO us. Without our permission! At first, I was pretty sure I had it nailed. As a lifelong “fixer”, I had been used to finding solutions to problematic bodily sensations or pains. There would be some kind of pill I could take, a book I could read or a course to enrol on that would fix me and make me feel happier, I
This attitude towards solutions and self-improvement lead me to life coaching, and I gained a qualification in 2008. The skills and techniques I learned were incredibly useful but were only part of the picture. They played perfectly to my control freakery tendencies. I was an expert at helping myself and others to chunk things down, to find a solution to any problems. The general feeling that I could fix things by DOING – and that action was the answer to any issues. Over 10 years later, and thanks to the beginning of the perimenopause, I began to find the other half of the puzzle – which is what I will be sharing through the posts and resources on this site.
When I first started getting the first symptoms of perimenopause – mainly night sweats, increased anxiety and poor memory – my instinct was to go for the ‘fix’. As far as I was concerned, HRT would fix my symptoms and help me carry on life as before. However, after three months of trying different brands and feeling utterly desperate, I had to conclude that although it had worked for many, HRT just wasn’t for me. I would have to find another way to deal with my feelings of sadness and defeat, my panic, my out of control body whose changes I couldn’t control.
It soon dawned on me that I would have to take a different approach to menopause, as – for whatever reason – my body had had enough of pills I’d taken to try and make me feel better. I’d have to approach this from the inside out. And, as it turned out, not getting on with HRT was the best thing that could have happened to me. It has forced me to review my coping techniques, to reevaluate my relationship with my body, with others, and myself.
I don’t manage it perfectly, still now. I still have instincts to rage against reality, and days of feeling mad, sad and fearful. But what I have now are a series of tools and a way to understand and process all my feelings, without trying to turn into someone I’m not. And in doing that, I have been able to find out who I truly am. My intention in creating this website is to share these tools and techniques with you so that you can also find peace, not in spite of these strange and undesirable changes happening to our bodies and minds, but because of them. It might feel strange at this point to consider that the things that are making you feel crazy are tools that will actually help you find greater peace.
This is not a website about meal plans, exercises, supplements or medicines – there are lots of brilliant sites and books out there written by experts in their field. This is a place for every woman who has reached perimenopause and questioned why she’s feeling so bad – and what on earth she can do about it. I hope that the thoughts, exercises and you find here will bring you strength, insight, courage and hope.
Midlife Meditations 